Been thinking recently why do we get upset?
I think its one or more of what I am listing below occur.
1. Expectation
It’s our human nature, we set expectations, when they aren’t met, we feel bad and we get upset. This is a topic by itself, so I am gonna give examples here to make the picture clear and then move on to the next point. We usually set expectations for everything in life, even when we design an electronic circuit, we expect it to work as designed, if it doesn’t for any reason, we feel upset. But its nothing compared to the feeling we get from getting unexpected behavior from people we care about.
We usually expect a certain behavior from people who we care about, when something unexpected happens, we get upset, sometimes it reaches to depression. When we care about someone, we think that person is an angel. Specially, when this person cares about you too.
When someone cares about us, we set the expectation of us being the only special person, we expect to get all the care that could ever be given. But this creates so much pressure on the other person. Thus makes both upset.
We have to accept the fact is that people care on different levels, you may care so much more than the person cares.. People have different behaviors, sometimes words betray people and words slip unexpected. and I know the idea of accepting this is just painful and makes us upset.
2. Abilene paradox
Quote from Wikipedia: ”The Abilene paradox is a paradox in which a group of people collectively decide on a course of action that is counter to the preferences of any of the individuals in the group. It involves a common breakdown of group communication in which each member mistakenly believes that their own preferences are counter to the group’s and, therefore, does not raise objections. A common phrase relating to the Abilene paradox is a desire to not “rock the boat”. “ – Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abilene_paradox
Group of people could be even two people, we sometimes do things to please the other person or other people, but after sometime, it becomes heavy and we get upset and start pointing fingers.
3. Feeling Lost / Feeling Lonely / Losing someone or something
Sometimes we just feel lost, we don’t know what to do, where we want reach with our lives.. This feeling sometimes is caused by unsatisfied expectations. It could be caused by feeling lonely. Feeling lonely is when you miss someone so much and this person is not around. It could be because of losing someone! Its our nature to forget and expect that this person will last for us forever.
4. Fear
Fear is a very important factor, fear from being able to reach the expectation, fear of being lost.. Can’t find enough words to finish this part.
At the end, it all related to expectations we set. But there could be a different view, expectations can give hope too.
3 Comments
(from hnassr) great post, that’s why my #1 priority at work is to manage expectations, and that’s where I usually trip at home – I think we assume too much then (feel safer @ home?) but ASSUME makes an ASS out of U and ME. I would add to that men’s isolation, four things I look pout for (ICOK sounds like: I see OK):
- Isolation: us guys are conditionned not to ask or seek advice (women do that a lot better)
- Cut-off emotions: “real men don’t cry” means we’re not allowed to process feeling (crying like pain is nature’s way to say: man I hurt!)
- Overwork: our value is attached to our output
- Kill/be killed: historically we’re trained to act as soldiers, to take it in the chin, not to react, which in turns feeds into all of the above (why do you think military don’t want women? it’s not the flirting or the tampons, it’s that they challenge getting into harm’s way)
I set the bar too high for my self, I expect more out of me and I keep my self in fear of disappointing me or anybody who believes in me.
Even when Other ppl couldn’t care any less, I beat up my self for all the small tiny things nobody notice.
I don’t have a clear goal or plan for my life, I have been swimming with the flow, whatever life has to offer i adopt my self to accept.
I am an extremist who would either sink in the current matters and get burned, or act as cool as a cucumber.
I got all the reasons u had listed laying in my face…….. I am only surprise by how can I fool my self sometimes out of being upset!!
Thank you, Ali, for this post. I was searching and finally found your post which is what has helped me understand why I get upset in a group of people. My husband and I are retired and attend two different groups each week. I find myself getting frustrated with the level of indifference people display while in the group. As individuals they can be much more friendly and caring. One group is a prayer group where people are actually suppose to show concern for one another! Still, I sense a lack of true care which I interpret as indifference. I am expecting too much from the group. I call it the “group attitude.” It can be disappointing, especially if you have experienced the loss of a loved one (which I have) within 6 months to a year. It amazes me that even when I have expressed a need for more feeling from them, they (as a group) seem either sleepy, or detached. One lady sits knitting the entire time regardless of what anyone has to say! Maybe the group setting is not for me!